A Conversation

A conversation heard earlier today:

(while walking the dogs with MeToo)
"I want to go for a walk around the neighborhood."
"Ok, we'll walk more before we go home."
"I don't like it when you pull my hood."
"Sorry, you kept weaving in front of me. I was going to step on you."
(starts whining and crying)
"Why are you crying?"
"You pulled my hood!"
"I'm sorry. I told you I did it because I was going to step on you. I won't do it again."
(continues whining and crying more loudly)
"You sound pretty tired. I think we should go home instead of walking."
(starts screaming and shrieking)
"I want to go for a walk! I want to go for a walk! I want to go for a walk! I want to go for a walk! I want to go for a walk! I want to go for a walk!" [*as you're reading these to yourself, make sure you stretch out all of the vowels as long as you can]
"I'm sorry, but we're not taking a walk if you're going to scream like this. We're going home."
"I don't want to take a nap! I don't want to go to sleep! I don't want to go to sleep! I don't want to go to sleep! I don't want to go to sleep! I don't want to go to sleep! I don't want to go to sleep!"*
"That's fine, you don't have to. I never said you had to."
"Carry me! I don't want to walk! I don't want to walk! I don't want to walk! I don't want to walk! I don't want to walk! I don't want to walk! I don't want to walk! I don't want to walk!"*
"Well, I'm sorry, but I can't carry you home. It's time to walk."
"I want to lay down right here! I want to lay down right here! I want to lay down right here! I want to lay down right here! I want to lay down right here! I want to lay down right here!"*
"We're not going to lay down on the sidewalk. We're almost home. Keep going."
"I can't hold your hand! I can't hold your hand! I can't hold your hand! I can't hold your hand! I can't hold your hand! I can't hold your hand! I can't hold your hand!"*
"You don't have to until we cross the street."
"I'm not tired! I'm not tired! I'm not tired! I'm not tired! I'm not tired! I'm not tired! I'm not tired! I'm not tired! I'm not tired! I'm not tired! I'm not tired! I'm not tired!"*
"I'm not sure I agree with that statement, but whatever. It's time to cross the street. I'm going to hold your hand."
(screaming and whining continues)
"Ok, we're home. Climb into your seat, it's time to go pick up your sister."
"I WANT TO STAY HOME AND TAKE A NAP!"
(screaming and whining continues while she buckles her carseat straps)
She's asleep before we put out of the driveway.
We all knew that was coming.

What Not To Do When You Encounter A Tantrum

Modern life ensures that we encounter all types of people when we're out-and-about in public. And, much to the dismay of some, that will occasionally include children. Sometimes those children will be well-behaved. Sometimes those children will not. And sometimes those children will be in the middle of an all-out tantrum. It has come to my attention in the past few weeks that people feel an urgent need to DO something when they encounter a tantrum. And most of those people do things that are actually counterproductive. So I thought that I'd create a quick cheat-sheet to share with those well-intentioned people who aren't sure what to do.

Let's start with what NOT to do:
1. Do NOT come over to inform the mother that her child is being annoying. I guarantee that she already knows this. Especially don't do this if the mother is pregnant with an additional child. Your chances are good that you'll end up with a bloody nose. A large belly may make her move slower, but carrying small children will give her a strong left hook. Just back away.
2. Do NOT ask the mother to "Do Something" about the screaming. If there was a magic switch to make it stop, she would have used it already.
3. Do NOT inform the mother that the tantrumming child is "in the way". For pete's sake, just walk around.  Get over yourself.
4. Do NOT offer the tantrumming child a cookie. This is the equivalent of giving someone an additional cash prize for robbing the bank. It's totally the wrong response. And may even encourage future repetitions of the current behavior. And see #1 about getting a bloody nose.
5. Do NOT offer the tantrumming child a sticker. See #4. You're not being helpful. You're just antagonizing the mother.

Here's what you CAN do:
1. DO IGNORE IT! Chances are good that the child's doing it for attention, or just experimenting with boundaries. Providing a visible response may encourage the child to tantrum more often, just for fun. Please, don't torment the mother any further. Just keep walking.

Ok, so some people are incapable of ignoring the situation, and really must DO something. It's their personality type, and they just can't help it. Ok, fine. Here are some other options:

2. DO give the mom a smile. You can even say, "Hang in there!" If you have no other reason to stop, just keep going. It's an interaction that might make her feel less judged. Being the mother of a public tantrummer can be a cringe-inducing situation to make even the most stalwart of disciplinarians doubt herself.
3. DO commiserate, only if appropriate. "Oh, my oldest was such a screamer. Ugh, she knew how to push my buttons. She mostly grew out of it." This is appropriate to say, if true. It also might give the mother a chance to chat if she really wants to demonstrate to her child that she's ignoring the situation. It also draws attention to the big picture, that children do grow out of it. In the moment, it can be difficult to remember this.
4. MAYBE consider a light-hearted compliment, if you can make it humorous. "Whew, she's got some lungs. I see American Idol in her future. Can I treat you to a set of earplugs in the meantime?" The mother might need a moment of levity. Or even just something to hear that people aren't judging her for having a lack of control over her child. And maybe she really would love some earplugs.
5. MAYBE offer the mother candy or a sticker OUT OF VIEW of the child. "Would this at all be helpful?" Let the mom decide what her child gets. It's likely that her parenting and discipline philosophy is different from yours. As much as you might want to help, it's best to let her handle the situation HER way. Because it's HER child.

So if you have childless friends, consider sharing this list with them. And if you do have children, tell me, what's missing from this list?

Chocolate Regrets

This week has been a dramatic one in our household. The week started out with fun house guests, including our 1 year old goddaughter. We applied to send both girls to Catholic school next year. (That's another post for another day.) We learned that we're expecting a third GIRL! And then our other two girls gave us a sneak peak at what the teen years will be like. OH, the DRAMA!

Our first moment of teen-preview angst was on Monday, right before the gender-revealing ultrasound. The girls and I met BestestHusband for lunch, at a bagel shop between the ultrasound office and the office where he was scheduled to get a root canal. I agreed to let HeyMama and MeToo pick out bags of chips for lunch, as a special treat. HeyMama handed me hers so I could pay for them. MeToo refused. I tried reasoning with her. Before we eat chips, we have to pay for them. You picked them out, now we have to give them to the cashier. JUST LIKE ALWAYS. This usually isn't a problem at the grocery store. This day, it was. She pouted. I counted to three. She threw the chips down on the floor instead of giving them to me. So I declared the chips ALL DONE. Then the crying and screaming began. Now, keep in mind that this is all happening while I'm trying to order our soup, salad, and sandwich. The cashier was extremely patient and gracious about it. Other patrons? Well, it was a mixed bag. I interjected my conversation with the cashier with "When you're done screaming, I'll understand what you want." This is my standard tantrum routine. I don't negotiate with terrorists. When the screaming's done, then we'll talk. I continued to manage obtaining our lunch, and the screaming escalated. She loves to do this in public. I think she actually has a future on the stage. 

One elderly gentleman across the shop came over and offered to pick MeToo up. Ok, that scared her. She stopped flailing and clung to my legs, still screaming. 

The elderly gentleman in front of me was supportive of me sticking to my guns. "She's a strong one. You're stronger." 

But the frumpy middle-aged guy across the shop? He came over in the midst of the hubbub to inform me, "You know, your kid's really being annoying!" "Yes, I know." was my response. I tried to have a conversation with him. "What would you like me to do?" I asked. "Spank her? And have someone call Protective Services on me? Would you like to spank her? And have someone call Protective Services on you? What would you like me to do?" Not surprisingly, he didn't have much of an answer. He just stalked off, muttering something about "make her stop." 

The most productive of all interveners was the elderly gentleman trying to pick her up. It scared her enough to start asking me for "Up up up!" Ok, those were words. We could work from that. And we did. The tantrum wound down. The cashier was horrified about the middle-aged guy, and apologized profusely.  I'm thankful for the patience not to deck the frumpy guy. I'm sorry, but you just don't tell a pregnant woman dealing with a tantrum that her child's annoying. I guarantee you, she knows. He's lucky he doesn't have a bloody nose to show for it. It's proof that the patience was given by God, and not from me. He's also lucky I didn't point him out to BestestHusband when he arrived. I"m not sure what would have happened there...

Our next moment of teen-preview angst was yesterday evening. The girls' preschool teacher surprised the kids with an Easter Egg Hunt on the playground. The eggs were filled with chocolates. Dove chocolate eggs, to be exact. That teacher has good taste. On the way home, the girls talked very excitedly about their eggs and chocolates. I agreed to let them eat a few. I know they'd been waiting all day. I have a hard time waiting all day to eat chocolate. I can't expect my daughters to be able to do it. So after eating a few, MeToo asked for a video. I said yes. It allows me to prep dinner in peace. HeyMama asked if she could have more chocolate. I said she needed to save them for after dinner. She seemed ok with that. We do typically eat dessert AFTER dinner.

But a few minutes later, the fireworks went off. "I want more chocolate! I wish I'd never eaten those chocolates!" Chocolate regret had set in. She's a bit too young to understand the conundrum of "you can't have your cake and eat it too". Or maybe not. She cried. She screamed. "I wish I hadn't eaten them! I'll never eat chocolate again! I hope Easter never comes!" The regrets streamed out, veering towards the absurd. Now, I can sympathize with this to some extent. I love chocolate. In a truly unhealthy way. I love to eat it. I always want more. And sometimes I regret eating it. Mostly because I want to have more. And eating all of your chocolate means you don't have more to eat. I was sympathetic to her hysteria until she threw her bag of chocolates against the wall and behind the couch. That's when I sent her to timeout. Regret is one thing. Chocolate abuse is another. And it's inexcusable, if you ask me... She raged in her room for a while, screaming random things. "No more eggs! No more candy! I don't like paper! I'm going to rip down all of the art in my room." When she calmed down and was ready to talk, we discussed chocolate regrets. Because I do truly understand. And then she did rip down some of the artwork in her room. Which I also understand. When I get upset, that can be a good catalyst for cleaning and redecoration. 

Oh Heaven help us when the girls are teenagers. By my estimation, the teen years will directly co-incide with menopause for me. BestestHusband is screwed. I see a "mancave" in our future. And maybe a few Academy Awards in our girls'...

Confessions of a Bad Mama

One of the great things about the Lutheran church is that, while you CAN do private confession of your sins to your pastor or elder, it's not expected. You're free to confess privately to God to receive forgiveness. But why confess privately or semi-privately when you can confess your transgressions to the WHOLE ENTIRE INTERNET FOR ETERNITY?! So here I go...

I'm a Bad Mama. 

1. I publicly shamed my dogs. I was incredibly amused by Dogshaming on Tumblr, and took my own dogshaming photo. I couldn't get it to post to the site, because I'm Tumblr illiterate. So I posted it to Facebook. For those of you who think your dogs are special because they do gross stuff, they're not. Our dogs do gross stuff, too. Unspeakably gross. Well, we'll let them speak of it:

That's just hair-curlingly gross. Ugh. 

2. I let my 2 year old tantrum in the grocery store yesterday. Well, I didn't let her. She just did it anyway. I just needed to pick up 2 items for dinner. She said she really wanted to go with me, and we left her sister at home. And I wasn't going home empty-handed just because she had parked herself under a table near the checkout aisle and was wailing her head off because I didn't get her cookies. I paid for those 2 items. I worked hard to get them through the angry screaming and kicking about not getting the last "car-cart" as I carried her through the aisles. I wasn't leaving without them. The stares of other people in line informed me that I was a Bad Mama for doing so. 

3. I upset the firemen today. We joined the girls' preschool this morning for a field trip to the local fire house. We were allowed to get in the fire engines, and they turned on the lights. We took pictures. I sat my 2 year old on the front bumper of a fire engine so that they could take a class picture. She started crying and screaming. I asked her what the problem was and asked her to use her words. She just screamed more. I eventually took her down to avoid ruining the class picture. She screamed more. I decided that her trip to the fire house was over. I left HeyMama with her classmates and put MeToo in the car. I turned it on to get the AC blowing, and went back to the front of the firehouse to talk to the preschool teachers about what was happening. No sooner did I exit the parking lot and reach the teachers than a fireman came running up and yelled, "There's a car running with a child alone inside!" I explained that it was my child in timeout, and I had just placed her there less than a minute before. And the AC was running to keep her cool. "But that's a violation! Someone could drive away with her in the car!" The parking lot was up against the side of the fire house. I could see if anyone tried to drive my car away. I did not honestly think that it was a reasonable risk. But apparently I was "in violation". Of something. I'm a Bad Mama. So I made HeyMama leave the field trip early, and we cancelled our trip to the sprinkler park. I'm definitely a Bad Mama.

Ok, so I'm not really feeling so bad for any of those things. Those are things that other people tell me I"m doing wrong.

What I really confessed tonight was my lack of sense of humor. My inability to cherish what should have been cherished today. Losing my sense of fun. Losing the desire to demonstrate grace, joy, and thanksgiving throughout my day. Distancing myself from my children because I was annoyed and desperately trying to preserve every shred of patience I had throughout the day. Feeling that they were an imposition to my plans. My actions were actually all correct. I set boundaries. I warned of consequences. I enforced the consequences. I provided second chances. I worked to change the day for the better. We had fun. We went to the Square to run an errand and went out for ice cream later in the day. But my attitude wasn't right. And that's what really made me a Bad Mama today. 

I gave thanks for the Patience Angel that sat on my shoulder today. I didn't lose my cool, not even once. But I prayed desperately for a new day tomorrow and the days after - days where I find joy in my children, even in their more challenging moments. I prayed that I could see my children as God sees them:  gifts. Gifts that need care, love, and discipline. Gifts that deserve patience, grace, and joy. 

I know I'm not alone in my struggle. But today I FELT the struggle more than I usually do. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Is feeling it a sign that I'm more aware of how my children need me - an improvement on my baseline? Or is feeling it a sign that I was doing a worse job than usual? 

Stewardship Sunday on Monday Again

Wow, what a week. The whole week was a huge gift. The vacation was much-needed, and much enjoyed. It was worth every penny to hear HeyMama say, "I'm going to go outside and run around with my cousins." And since they live in St. Louis, MO and Fairbanks, AK, it takes a few pennies to gather them all together. Yet, still, it was totally worth it.


We returned home to find that our garden had exploded. The pole beans finally decided to climb their poles. The lettuce was trying to race it to the sky. The herbs were elbowing the tomato plants for space. The jalapeños were thick and plentiful. Hot sun and lots of rain will do that, I suppose...

Garden bounty:  basil, jalapeños, and zucchini cake

It's a lot of basil! The pot's just there because it's pretty...

BestestHusband uprooted the peppermint to make more room for the spearmint. We have a lot of mint...

Food waste: We left some produce for Miss Ashley (our beloved daycare teacher/dogsitter/housesitter/babysitter) to eat. She did not eat the produce. MISS ASHLEY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT THE PRODUCE!!! So we had some fruit go bad. She did help eat some of the garden. So I give her credit for that. On vacation, we made a valiant effort to keep from wasting any leftovers from a week of 3 meals/day x 12 people. I think we deserve credit for that. And we're working very hard to use/preserve the crazy amounts of herbs we brought in from the garden. OH, and we composted at the lake house! Does that earn us bonus points?

Money: Vacation is not cheap. But we cooked most of our own meals (we went out one night with the whole family, and BestestHusband and I went out one night just by ourselves - with coupons), which helps with 12 people. We shopped all of the grocery sales in advance, thanks to my detail-oriented mother-in-law.

Patience: It's easy to be patient when you're on vacation. 

M&Ms: There was a bag of plain M&Ms on vacation. I was too busy eating other yummy stuff to care much. 

Time: We got family time, couple time, 1:1 kid time, and even lots of alone time. The whole week was time well spent, in my mind. 


This week is proving already to be a tough reality check. Sigh. Back to reality. But it was definitely worth it!


How was your week?