Indecent Exposure

We had some friends over to watch the Superbowl on Sunday. They had no heat in their house, and we have no oven. They heated their house with our dinner in their oven, and came to enjoy it at our wonderfully warm house. Win-win. Our beloved Patriots weren't playing this year, so we couldn't lose. Please pass the nachos and chicken fingers. Anyone need another beer?

I'd like to stop talking about the halftime show. It was a huge, bright, loud production, as halftime shows are expected to be. The performers were fabulously talented, and put together a memorable show. 

I didn't like all of it. I'm ok with moving on and not talking about the show. 

But what I'm really having a hard time moving on from is the conversation surrounding me not liking the show. And people making assertions about my motives. No, no one has written an article saying, "Joy, you're a horrible person for not liking the show. And you could stand to lose a few pounds."
No, nothing like that. But they have said things like "You white women need to stop policing brown bodies." And, "you hypocrites are fine with everything else on tv, why are you getting upset about this?" And, "If you as a mother are criticizing another woman in front of your daughters, then you are the problem."

This is what I'm having a hard time moving on from. 
Because I have criticized some decisions made in the performance, I am a racist Puritan who wants to wipe out Latinx culture. Also, I'm fine with all sorts of other questionable stuff, so I need to stfu about this performance.

It's really hard to go in depth on my views in a Facebook post, so I'll write it up here, instead.
Michelle, thanks for posing a detailed question to me so I could attempt a detailed answer here. And it helps me get to the heart my discomfort.

"So, my question to folks who responded so strongly to this performance - if it truly is SOLELY about hypersexualization of our culture - where is the proportionate outrage about the cheerleader outfits and dances that are on those fields EVERY week, about men who very obviously grab and handle their junk all the freaking time in public and in performance, about Dancing with the Stars which is billed as "family" entertainment, about the toddler/child pageant industry, about child dance competitions, about the fact that we can only find "booty" shorts in the girls section of stores? I mean, the crotch grab was Michael Jackson's *thing* and no one bats an eye at that. Where was the proportionate outrage of the hypersexualization of our culture from white women about movies like Magic Mike? So is it just women who aren't allowed to be sexy?

Historically, both women's songs and performances have had overtly sexual themes or movements. I don't get why folks are suddenly shocked that their performances were sexy?"


I think all of the things you mentioned are inappropriate. You just haven't heard me talk about it yet. 

I'd like to chalk it up to the gradually boiling frog phenomenon. The hypersexualization of our culture has been steady, but gradual. The cheerleader outfits have been getting tinier in small increments over time. The routines have been getting sultrier over time. We don't watch them. 

The Dancing with the Stars costumes have been getting more scanty over the seasons. We stopped watching. I didn't announce it with a fanfare. We just stopped watching. I loved the artistry of the dancers, and was in awe of how good of teachers they were to get their partners dancing so well. But I thought the outfits were inappropriate and made the focus too much on the dancers' bodies, not their skills. 

We don't participate in the pageant industry. I believe it teaches girls the wrong things about their worth. One of my girls really wants to get into modeling. I've said no. I really don't want them to think about their appearance all the time. Plenty of mothers have guided their daughters successfully through those industries. I just don't want to take on that challenge. 

If my children did dance, and the costumes or dances were too sultry, I'd say no. If the coach of my daughter's gymnastic team included some sultry moves in a floor routine, I'd say no. I don't post fanfare things on Facebook protesting these things, I just don't participate. If the gymnastics or dance issue became a bit deal, sure you'd hear about it on Facebook. But it hasn't presented itself as something I've had a public conflict with yet.

We shop at places that have longer shorts. You can choose the inseam length you prefer. I don't let my girls wear booty shorts. I don't let them wear leggings without a tunic or skirt covering their backside. You don't hear me saying "cover your bum" multiple times a week, but my girls do. Not because I think their bums are shameful. But they're children, and I want them to dress like children. Men will be ogling my oldest's daughter's arse soon enough. And yes, plenty of moms are complaining about the ubiquity of booty shorts in children's sections. Don't get me started on string bikinis for grade schoolers. 

I do bat my eye at male performers and athletes grabbing their crotches. I think it's crude. Adam Levine? Yes, I thought his shirtlessness was unnecessary, too. 

I didn't go see Magic Mike. Not my thing. I saw the previews, knew what the movie was about, and chose not to spend my money there. Again, no fanfare. Just voting with my dollars. I also skipped the whole 50 Shades stuff. No thanks. 

Yes, I know that women with a great deal of talent have a tendency to hypersexualize their performances, and I think it's a shame. That's why I was disappointed about J Lo's performance. She is amazing, and age-defying, and gravity defying, and an icon. She is a successful and ground-breaking businesswoman, and deserves our respect for so many reasons. 

And that's why I thought her crude hypersexualized performance was a let-down. She doesn't need to be so sexual to get our attention. She has our attention. Without the carefully positioned camera catching the crotch shot. 

People keep asking why J Lo's pole dancing was so offensive when Cirque does it, too. Well, despite the attempts to normalize pole dancing by Cirque de Soleil and thousands of pole dancing classes marketed to upper middle class women, pole dancing is at heart a performance attempting to titillate its viewers. Yes, she did a movie about strippers, and got good at pole dancing. Like I said, she's a talented and hard-working performer. I'm sure she's very good at it. People keep insisting that pole dancing is empowering. I don't understand it, but I'll take their word for it. They're keeping their pole-dancing teachers in business, and I applaud the entrepreneurship happening there. If it makes things more fun in the bedroom, then good for them. But let's be honest. Pole dancing was always about sexual arousal. 

So after a lot of frustrated ruminating and a late-night conversation with BestestHusband, I think I've reduced the issue to its element. At least, for me. It all comes down to sex. 

Well, duh.  

But what I'm saying is that this is a small example in the big topic of sex and how I'm raising my girls to view sex and how I'm seeing just HOW MUCH IN CONFLICT I am with the rest of modern American culture. I thought I was pretty mainstream. Oh, now I know I'm not. 

My girls are rapidly approaching puberty. Their bodies are starting to change, and people will soon start to look at them as sexual beings because EVERYTHING about American culture is painting everyone in shades of sultriness. Mostly-naked women in advertisements. Booty shorts on tweens. Scanty dance costumes on little girls. "Come hither" looks in pageants. Sex in every adult tv show and movie. One degree at a time, the waters are being heated around our children, and they are being boiled into sexualized beings before they can physically or emotionally handle sex.

Again, duh. This is no surprise. 
But why aren't we complaining about it more?
Well... that's what I've been doing this week.
Should I go get a trumpet? 

My real conflict with the sex in culture is that everything I want to teach my girls about sex is contradicted in American culture. I think sex is an amazingly enjoyable thing to do in an intimate partnership, and it's a private, bond-building element of a relationship. I don't actually expect anyone outside of my religion to believe that it should stay within a marriage. But it's an idea people might also want to consider...

American culture is instead showing our girls that they should market their sexual selves to everyone, all the time. Sexualized behavior is what gets you attention, and can even make you famous. It's such a commonplace thing to do that it doesn't even really matter that much. It's just fun, and you can do whatever you want. OWN your sexuality! Reveal your true self! If it doesn't have sex, it's not really entertaining. 

I don't want cheap sexualization for my girls. I don't want it for anyone else's girls, either. 

When asked why I required a skirt over her leggings recently, I told my oldest, "Your body is slowly starting to look like a woman's body, and men like to look at women's bodies. Do you want people to notice your body? Or your great ideas?" "Oh, ok." She ran off to find an oversized sweatshirt to wear. The day might come where she'll prefer to be objectified instead. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there...

Do we want our daughters to be noticed for their asses? Or for the businesses and charities they start? For the great book plots they're dreaming up? The way they stand up for the quieter kids in their classes?

Yes, I want my daughters to eventually enjoy really great sex. But I want people to think more about their accomplishments and humanity than how great they'd be in bed. And with modern culture painting sensuality on top of everything, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Yes, I know they're still young. But not for much longer. 

So J Lo, you're amazing. I kept pointing out to my girls during your performance how strong and talented you are. You deserve respect for everything you've accomplished in your career. You deserve every penny you earn, because you work really hard for it. It's no surprise that Latinx fans are enraged that "white women" like me aren't worshiping your performance. Because you truly are special. But your daughter is the same age as mine. And unlike me, you actually have the power to change the culture that she's growing up in.