Achievement, Ambition, Empowerment, and Contentment

Whew, that title is full of some big ideas.

I've had a few conversations lately that have stirred my mental pot, especially around those big ideas.

At work the other day, I overheard a lunch conversation that started with this: "if you could snap your fingers and have a new career that didn't require you to start all over with school, what would you do?" Most of the women are older than me. And most couldn't imagine having a different career. Me? If I could snap my fingers to a different career? I'd run an international aid organization of some sort. I know, kinda random. I'd love to have the organization and management skills to change lives through charitable giving. Don't get me wrong. I love my career. It allows me the other things I value in life: a marriage and family. But I occasionally wonder about a life full of international travel and saving people from starvation and disease.

I was lucky to have a visit recently from a friend who moved away a while back. I'll call her Janey, to protect her identity.

We stayed up late drinking wine, and she told me about the possibility of a career turn that would involve 3 intensive years in a fast-track nurse practitioner program. It would be an amazing career move. And a physical move. It would also create insane demands on her and her family. Did I mention she has 2 young children? It sounded terrifyingly overwhelming to me.

She discussed how tedious her current job was, and the general boredom she felt in her career. The concept of her current job sounds amazing. But yes, the details of her job were a bit mundane and repetitive. Yet it's a good job, and allows her to work from home. This is handy when you have 2 young kids.

We were both the recipients of world-class educations and the encouragement to be whatever we wanted to be. We were taught that we shouldn't settle for boring jobs. We should never accept the status quo. We should feel empowered enough to reach for whatever we wanted, no matter how difficult.

But now we have kids. And mortgages. And a tenuous sanity to preserve.

So I had to ask myself:  What's the difference between settling down and just settling for something less?

And then:  What model of achievement should I be presenting for my daughters? And what should I be teaching them about ambition, and empowerment?

I'm starting to think that our focus on women's empowerment is becoming a double-edged sword.

(WARNING: If you get squeamish about medical details, are looking to avoid description of birthing, or just generally want to avoid incidents of TMI, skip down to the next part with bold font!)

I was reading a post on my local mommy group website where a mom was inquiring about hypnobirthing as a way to avoid tearing during birth. I took the hypnobirthing class. I used the philosophy to have 2 unmedicated births. I tend to think of it as a good strategy to get through birth without unnecessary medical interventions. It never occurred to me that one could PREVENT themselves from tearing during childbirth. Doesn't that kind of depend on the size of your baby and your general skin elasticity? But there are those out there that encourage women to empower themselves to have exactly the childbirth experience they want. So if you don't want to tear, you can work hard enough to find a way not to tear. Wow. That's a lot of pressure... What if you DO find a childbirth technique that promises to help you avoid tearing. But you tear a little anyway. Does that mean you're a failure? I'm content to see tearing as a possible (and likely, given my prior experiences) side-effect of the birthing process. You get a few stitches, you use witch hazel pads and a peri-care bottle for a week, and you move on. Does this mean I'm too content with the status quo? Should I feel more empowered to demand the birth I want when Little Miss makes her grand entrance in a few months? But I don't want to feel like a failure when the midwife pulls out the needle and thread...

(OK, you squeamish readers can start reading again here.)

Do the current messages in our society really help us? "You can have it all! Get your career established first. Travel the world. Then when you're financially secure in your early 40's, have kids then." And "Don't settle. You CAN have a career! And a marriage! And kids! And fun leisure time!" And so women wait so they can have it all! And then they have to struggle with infertility, because a 30 year old body bears children more easily than a 40 year old body. The realities of biology don't change because we've suddenly become more empowered. Skin stretches, and then sometimes tears. We start our lives with lots of eggs. Most of the good ones are gone by our 40's. The limitations of a 24 hour day aren't swayed by successful women encouraging us all to do more, be more, achieve more. There are only 24 hours. We really can't clone ourselves to simultaneously attend a work meeting and a preschool dance performance. 
Or maybe I'm just not empowering myself adequately...

I brought up the topic to a wonderful group of moms from my church. They're smart, they're successful, they're kind, and they're wise. They're my grounding force in the face of the questionable advice provided by society and my local online mommy group. Once a month, we share food, wine, support, conversation, and prayer. Because we know our limitations. We need each other. And we know that there are just aspects of life we need to turn over to a higher power.  But we discussed my questions. 

Not one of them thought we could "have it all". According to them, we have natural seasons in life that demand and allow our energy to be directed to different areas. We have marriage partners with whom we give-and-take to make our family work well together. Our careers are just part of the picture. We have priorities that truly are more important. Like our marriages. And our children. When you sit with a group of women that include some who have buried children, it somehow becomes perfectly reasonable to shape your life and aspirations around those of your own children. It all falls into perspective. 

Of course, perhaps our expectations would be different if we could all afford to hire out parts of our lives - childcare, shopping, cooking, cleaning... Have you ever noticed that women to talk about "having it all" seem to have their own staff? Or at least have mothers living nearby who are willing to do those things for free?

We discussed the concept of "vocation". Martin Luther (the Reformation guy, not the civil rights guy) discussed vocation as a gift from God. Both bankers and blacksmiths have the ability to serve God in their jobs. They have the task of being the best banker/blacksmith they can be, in order to help others and fully utilize the gifts that God has given them. There is no such thing as a lowly or exalted job. There is just OUR job, and we need to do it well to give glory to God. You can be a wonderful 7-11 cashier. You can be a wonderful nurse. You can be a wonderful CEO. You can be a wonderful street sweeper. They all give glory to God! 

You can be a wonderful wife and mother. These are also vocations. Think it's not important? Imagine losing your spouse or child for a moment. Yeah, they're pretty important. Imagine not being around to teach your children what love is about and to prepare them to go out into the world. Imagine your children not having a mom. Yeah, the job is pretty important. 

So I'm thankful for the perspective my friends bring. I'm thankful for not needing to live up to the expectations of society. I already have some pretty big jobs on my plate. I'll stick with those and let others battle the angst of their "empowerment." I think I'll just pray for the power to do my own jobs well.

Hope you have a great week!

The Sorority of Moms Comes Through Again

So, I'm pregnant. This isn't news. And I'm hungry. I guess this isn't surprising, either. But I'm hungry for fatty processed junk food that I don't typically feed my family or myself when I'm not pregnant. This is less than ideal. 

I used to have a box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls hidden in the basement. Until I ate them all. I used to have a box of chocolate Pop Tarts hidden in the center console of the CR-V. Until I ate them all. I used to have a box of Drumstick ice cream cones in the freezer that the girls were really looking forward to eating. Until I ate them all. Seriously, out of a variety pack of 8 cones, the girls each got one, BestestHusband had one, and I ate the other 5. Not all at once, of course, but over about 5 days. They just satisfied a craving that nothing else could.

So it was with shame that I was standing in the ice cream aisle of the grocery store today, trying to find the same box of Drumsticks. I had just stocked up on Turkey Hill ice cream, which is on sale right now (hoorayyyy!!!). Blue Bell will always be my favorite, of course, but you can't get it in Boston. I'll just have to eat my fill the next time I'm in Texas. So a sale on Turkey Hill makes me stock up. Oh, and also in my cart was a giant bag of peanut M&Ms. Yeah, that cart was a winner. It was a glaring testament to my junk food excesses. 

But the Sorority of Moms came to my rescue. As I was searching for the right box of Drumsticks, a woman interrupted my pitiful search. "I just have to tell you, you're absolutely adorable." 

I know she's a mom. I didn't even have to ask. Because she gets it. And she absolutely made my day. I can buy all the ice cream I want. Because I'm pregnant and some stranger in the grocery store thinks I'm rockin' the belly. 

This is the Sorority of Moms at its best. When I'm more in control of my own body, I make my own yogurt, and my own granola, and try to serve food that doesn't come from a factory. But I don't feel in control of my body right now. I don't feel in control of much of anything these days. (Oh bladder, where art thou?) And sometimes I do feel a bit ashamed of my eating habits. And I feel tired and grumpy. And I feel stretched to my limit. And other moms know this. And sympathize. And offer unprompted words of encouragement. 

So sisters, keep the movement going forward. Offer compliments to strangers. Smile at the woman with the tantrumming toddler. Let's go out of our way to support each other. Because I can tell you that today, it made a huge difference.

Sorority of Moms Meeting

I left work 45 minutes late today because I believe in the sisterhood of motherhood. My job floats me between hospitals, and today was the first time I've been back at one of the sites in a few months. So today was the first time I saw Jane* since she came back from maternity leave. On my way out the door, I asked how life was, back at her full-time job with a 4 month old at home. Boy did I open a can of something...

"Is it supposed to be this hard?" The floodgates were opened, and the last 4 months just came pouring forth. I smiled, nodded, and said "yup" a lot. She joined the chorus of all of the working moms I know. "There's not enough time in the day. Daycare gets her best hours. I'm always stressed. I'm always behind. I never feel like I'm doing a good job. I love coming to work. I love my job and don't want to give it up. But this sucks. And daycare is so expensive. And nobody at work understands. And none of my friends are working with kids. Am I doing something wrong?"

I did her the favor of not sugar-coating things. I wasn't telling her anything she hasn't already noticed herself. Being a mother is a full time job. And having a career that you love outside the home is a blessing. But having both can feel like a curse.

Moms know this. That's why moms need other mom friends. So we can vent after a long day of work about how much something sucks. Society isn't so understanding of that need to vent. "You chose to have the child, right? You chose to go back to work, right? So why are you complaining? There are so many childless couples who would LOVE to be in your shoes. There are so many unemployed families who would love your job. Stop whining!"

But moms know what it means to be that candle burning at both ends. And we know the isolation it brings about. Motherhood is supposed to be so fulfilling, so wonderful, so all-consumingly joyful that all inconveniences are too petty to mention. But many of us don't feel that way. Some of us experienced failure for the first time as a new mother. Sleep deprived, oozing hormones, and feeling helpless at the hands of a colicky newborn, motherhood does not always feel like sweetness and light. To deny this is to devalue motherhood. Because it's hard. It just is.

So if you believe in the sorority of moms, find a way to support another mom this week. Take the new mom at work out to lunch. Surprise her with a mid-afternoon latte. Just stick around and listen. Or offer to help her out with something so she can go home early. She probably needs it.

*Of course her name's not Jane

Mommy Confessions

Since becoming a mom nearly 4 years ago, I've found myself in the role of confessor to a lot of other moms. My favorite was the fellow dog-walker that I knew by appearance only that caught up to me as I made the daily Arb loop and confessed that her infant son had rolled out of her bed to the floor that morning. He was fine, of course. But she was traumatized. And she just HAD to tell me about it. This was just the beginning of my new job.

The confessions have continued since then:

• I cried hysterically for days when I found up I was pregnant with our second child.
• I don't really like my children after about 3 pm.
• She drives me crazy.
• We spank.
• Oh, my first son, he was HORRID!
• I think we spank too much.
• I don't feel like a good mom. I'm not sure we should bring other children into our family.
• I constantly question everything I do.
• I haven't taken pictures of the kids in months.
• Sometimes I just have to send them to their rooms for an hour to keep from going crazy.
• I worry about ruining my children.

Unlike my recent public confession, these admissions are done privately. In parks. In backyards. Over glasses of wine. And they're fueled by guilt. And insecurity. And they're made by good moms. Really great moms with really great kids. Moms who shouldn't have to carry such guilt and insecurity. Moms who shouldn't need to worry so much. But we do. We all worry about our mothering more than we should.

Why?

I know I'm not the only confessor out there. I make these confessions, too. I'm not surprised that these confessions are done quietly. And only around other moms. Because how could you explain it to people who aren't moms? Or people that don't remember the struggles of being a parent? Find a popular blog or an online article on the topic, and the public comments are horrifying:

• You don't deserve to have children if you don't adore them 24/7.
• Spanking will condemn your child to a life of crime. I'm calling child protective services on you right now.
• If you question your decisions, you must be doing it wrong.
• Co-sleeping will doom your child to a life of perpetual dependence. If you don't smother them in your sleep...

It's no wonder we say these things only in safe company. Being a mom opens yourself up to public criticism. As if our job wasn't challenging and wearying enough without it...

What do we do about it?

Perhaps we should reassemble the Sorority of Moms and agree to fight back against public criticism like this. Even if we secretly agree with the criticizer, we should remind them that criticism is not their right. We're never all going to agree on the best way to parent children. Can we agree on that much? And in parenting, we reap what we sow. Cosleep? Someone else is wetting your bed. Use formula? You pay a fortune for something that most moms can provide for free. Employ lenient discipline techniques? You're the one who has to live with the child's behaviors until they outgrow them. We all choose the consequences of our decisions. And we have to live with them, for better or for worse. The criticizer doesn't have to suffer at all. So why do they care so much?

I wish I knew the answer to that question. 

Do you?

Time Magazine Hates Mothers

I'm shocked, horrified, and downright LIVID to see what Time Magazine put on its recent cover.

No, I'm not upset to see a woman nursing her child. No, it doesn't bother me to see a mom who looks like a model nursing what appears to be a 5 yr old son (reportedly, he's 3). I'm a bit annoyed at the title, "Are You Mom Enough?" that goes with it. When did this become a competition? No, most days I don't feel "Mom Enough", but it has nothing to do with the fact that I no longer nurse my 3 year old.

What peeves me is that it starts people talking about whether or not the mom on the cover "should" be nursing her 3 year old. WHY IS IT THEIR BUSINESS?!?!?!

Yes, Time Magazine ran the cover to get our attention and sell copies. I'm sure they're achieving their goal. Good for you, Time.

But they're also feeding into the notion that people are ENTITLED to have an OPINION on the choices that OTHER PARENTS make regarding parenting their own children. Since when do you have the right to make a judgement upon the myriad decisions I make for my children on a daily basis? Oh sure, if I'm doing something illegal or blatantly dangerous (like placing them on the tracks in front of an oncoming train), then tell me. Please, do protect my children from my dumb decisions. But what harm does it do if I nurse my girls until they're 4? Am I a horrific mom because we didn't make it past their 1st birthdays? I'm going to confess a deep dark horrific secret:  I stopped nursing MeToo at 10 months. I didn't even make it to the 12 month mark. Why? Because I was going to Scotland for a week, and the mechanics of keeping my milk up for a week in her absence were just too annoying. Please, judge me now. Go ahead.

No, you shouldn't judge me!!! You don't have the right to have an opinion about the choices I make for my children! Why do people think they have this right?!?!

During a week that we should be preparing to thank our mothers for all that they have done and all that they continue to do, Time Magazine is stirring up controversy about what is the "right" or "wrong" way to parent children. Yes, the article is about Dr. Sears and Attachment Parenting. But that's not what the cover is about. The cover is about inciting judgement and self-righteousness about the choices that we and others make. We should be busy encouraging each other in the hard work of parenting that we do, instead.

Shame on you Time Magazine.

Would this make your mother proud?

Dirty Little Secrets

I was working last week with a lady with metastatic cancer – a nasty glioblastoma that has robbed her of her ability to remember new information. Our therapy was a last gasp attempt to help her regain some independence and quality of life before she was discharged home with 24 hour supervision. And hospice. This will likely be her last summer. She’s not very old. She’s too young to be facing her last summer. Such is the curse of cancer. She is long-divorced, and her only son lives a few states away. She has some delightful and loyal friends who visit and help take care of her.

Our most recent therapy session together included one of these dear friends, “Julesie” as she called her. They go way back, to when they lived in apartments across the hall from one another and had screaming and inconsolable newborns. I always try to find a balance between the value of what I provide in my therapy vs. the value of what visiting friends bring. In cases like this lady, I decided that a visiting friend was much more valuable. She was able to tap into long-term memory, something I don’t have the context to stimulate, and it was much more preserved than her short-term memory was. They laughed about the trials and tribulations of having “screamers” for children. My patient chuckled, “Oh, he was a HORROR!”

“He was a horror.” It’s not a phrase you’re allowed to say about your children these days. I mentioned that. “Oh, it’s something you could only say amongst your friends.” My patient said. Her friend agreed.

Has it always been a dirty little secret? Because if you say it publically now, you’re labeled as a Bad Mother. An Ingrate. Unable to appreciate your “spirited” child. Selfish. Uneducated. How dare you attach such an unkind adjective to your child?!?! But certainly we all think it. At least once. We logically know that a strong personality will serve our child well when they’re adults. But right now, it just feels like they’re being jerks. You can go a long time before you find another parent who will admit it. “Yes, I love my child, but she can really act like a pain in the @ss.” And until then, you feel awful for thinking it.

This is the dirty little secret of parenting. You love your children. But they can be “horrors”. Admitting this doesn’t make you love them less. Admitting this is acknowledging the challenge of your job. You must demonstrate unfailing love and a semblance of patience to a creature who does a great job of acting horribly towards you. Yes, it’s in their innate nature. Yes, it’s “developmentally appropriate”. Yes, they’re born sinful creatures, just like we are. They need to experience forgiveness and grace from us before they can begin to understand the concept and that it’s something that comes from God. But let’s be honest. Only God is an unending well of forgiveness and grace. The rest of us struggle to provide it on a daily basis. I personally struggle on a minute-by-minute basis.

I think this should be another tenet of the Sorority of Moms. Don’t judge a negative statement of another mom about her child. You know you think it from time to time. The mom who says it is just being honest enough with her feelings to utter the words. Good for her. Encourage her. Support her. Help her laugh about it. The true tragedy is when the mom doesn’t realize that children can be jerks and she thinks she’s doing it all wrong. We need to let other moms in on the secret. ASAP. Our kids can be jerks. So can we. Refusing to admit it doesn’t make it not true. Let’s forgive ourselves for thinking it just like we forgive our children for doing it. Let’s expose the dirty little secret.

"I Don't Know How You Girls Do It"

One of the joys of my job is that I have the privilege of working with people with 8+ decades of life experience under their belts. I make a point to tap into that experience whenever I get the chance. Functionally I'm assessing their speech, their thought organization, their pragmatics. But really, I'm looking for advice. Nuggets of wisdom. Recipes.


Most of my female patients are mothers. I ask about their kids. The number is usually in the 4-10 range. So I ask for advice. "How did you do it? I have 2, and they keep me plenty busy. What's the secret?" They usually just chuckle and shrug. "I don't know, I just did it!"


But some of them turn the tables. I was actually surprised the first time I heard it: "I don't know how you girls do it these days - kids, jobs, the busy schedules you all keep." They say things like, "Oh it was easier back then. Everyone had kids. We sent them all outside and they entertained themselves." They talk about having their moms and sisters nearby to help. They didn't take the kids to the grocery store to have meltdowns in the frozen food aisle. They didn't drag them to play groups and story times. Their three year olds didn't play on soccer teams. They didn't work when their kids were young, so pumping breast milk 3 times during a work day wasn't a concern. And they certainly didn't worry about whether they were making the best choice in the career/family balance.


I have no doubt that momnesia has kicked in during the 50+ years since they had small children at home. I'm sure they had plenty of struggles of their own. We won't even get into the gender issues and educational and career opportunities available to these women when they were our age. But their words are kind. And maybe even true. And it's the kind of encouragement I need from time to time.

Encouragement

I'm grateful for all forms of encouragement. It really is the maple syrup on the pancakes of life. In theory, you CAN have too much, but I haven't seen anyone reach that point yet...


I am grateful for the strangers at J.Crew this morning. I was returning one of the desperate failures in my bathing suit search and a pair of horribly-vanity-sized khakis. The girls were with me. HeyMama was a trooper. She didn't want to stay one millisecond extra, but could suck it up in anticipation of Easter Dress shopping at our next stop. MeToo was having none of it. She was whining, standing up in her stroller, and generally just being a punk. So I took her out and sat her on the floor between my legs so I could control her and finish looking through the clearance rack. Of course she tantrummed, and made a heck of a din. I was annoyed, and felt bad for the other shoppers. But they were all moms. They understood. I was holding my ground. I was not passing up a good bargain for a whiny child. The staff all smiled, one told me a funny story of a similar experience she'd had when her girls were little. One shopper smiled as she passed and said, "Been there!" The cashier commented on my patience. I had nothing but encouragement. It was amazing. Their encouragement bolstered my patience and ability to wait out my screaming 2 yr old. (Hmm, does this mean that shopping will help me be a better mama?)


The other encouragement came in the form of a few stories through Facebook (thanks Julie Bourgoin!). I'm a huge fan of Lutheran Social Services, including Ruth House and the work done with refugees in New England. In the midst of all of our grousing about the economy and rising gas prices, these stories show that the American dream is still alive and kicking. And that there are plenty of people out there who are still willing to face every challenge with a smile and rise to the occasion. 


Check out the stories here:
Nepalese refugee inducted into Honor Society
Nepalese family works for self-sufficiency


My day's problems feel absolutely manageable in comparison. Don't yours?


If you want to help support their American Dream and that of others to come, consider supporting Lutheran Social Services. We need more families like the Rais and the Darjees to succeed. 

Sorority of Moms

We moms are doing it all wrong. 
Follow my local online mommy network, and you'd be horrified at the judgmental comments and insinuations. Sleep with your baby? You're a bad mom. Don't sleep with your baby? You're a bad mom. Don't breast feed? You're the worst of moms. Breasfeed until they're 2? You're the worst of the worst.

We can be a bunch of witches. No one can cruelly condemn a mom quite like another mom. We name ourselves judge, jury, and executioner over trivial matters. You let them watch TV!?! You let them eat Fruit Loops!?! You bought them a Barbie!?!?!?!?!

I propose we start a sorority of non-witchiness. I say we set out to help insulate each other from the rest of the witchy world. We can agree to disagree on most things. But there are a few things we must all agree on:

1. Compliment heavily pregnant women. Tell them they look amazing. Especially if they don't. It doesn't matter that you're lying. Its not about truth. It's about encouragement.
2. Cheer on moms with horribly misbehaving children. Compliment their patience. Compliment their child's sass vocabulary. Vocabulary is one sign of intelligence, you know... Kid tantrumming in public? Offer to treat her to a peppermint mocha or margarita. She'll likely turn you down. If she doesn't, you know that your impact was especially profound that day.
3. Another mom at your office or playgroup show up looking like warmed-over and sleep-deprived leftovers from the last decade? Get together with another parent and buy her flowers. Have them delivered. Don't let her know they're from you. Do let her know they're in recognition of the amazing amount of work she does every day.

My university's motto was "truth even unto its innermost parts". When it comes to moms, thats an awful motto. Ours should be "encouragement even unto its outermost stretch."

Because the truth is that most of society doesn't care about our inner battles of mommy guilt. How we can find a way to feel guilty for any decision we make. How other people openly question any decision we make. And how celebrity moms have raised the bar to have perfectly toned, dressed, and rested bodies within six weeks of childbirth. With frequent trips to the salon, massage parlor, and gym. Society doesn't care that we struggle to dress our post-baby bodies because nothing fits anymore and daycare costs ate up our clothing budget. Society says that if we try hard enough, we can have it all. If we can't keep it all together, we must not be trying hard enough.

Yeah, but we know better. We know that "breast is best" (a phrase that causes angst and extreme guilt for many new moms) means that we wear our oversized breasts in oversized shirts until our child is a year old. Or longer. And we wear the extra weight that helps feed them. And sometimes it doesn't go away when we stop feeding them. We know that moms can be just as productive in the workplace as everyone else. Which is amazing considering the twice daily pumping breaks and unpredictable mid-day trips to the pediatrician's office. And leaving "early" every day to make it to daycare on time so we don't get socked with a dollar-a-minute late fee. And getting less sleep because we were up late organizing all the food and gear bags for work and daycare the next morning - a task similar to prepping for the invasion of Normandy.

We try not to complain about all of these things... We love our children and do it gladly. And besides. No one would really listen to our complaining anyway. Being a mother is supposed to be an indescribable joy that trumps all hardship. 

So I say again:  Encouragement even unto its outermost stretch(marks). 


Anyone want to join my club?