I struggle occasionally with the loss of my former bad@ss self. I used to be athletic. I rowed. I ran a marathon. I used to be able to juggle disparate things with ease. I used to be spontaneous. I drove around the USA for 3 weeks after college graduation. I used to be unafraid of challenges. I used to be able to tolerate sleep deprivation and still be informed and witty. I wore a bikini!
Then I had kids and that all went away.
And I've been wondering about my old bad@ss self, wondering if I'd ever find her again.
Tonight, I realized I've been looking for her in all the wrong places.
Tonight, I worked a long day in the city, lurched home on a delayed train, sprinted for a bus, high-tailed it to daycare, got there right before they closed, wrangled a tantrumming 2 year old home, convinced 2 girls to play by themselves while I cooked dinner, cooked a delicious meal of fresh fish and a vegetable strudel (hand-rolled in phyllo dough), served it with a lovely bottle of Riesling, cleaned up the kitchen while BestestHusband put the girls to bed, and now have a date with a hot shower and an early bedtime.
Tonight, I was bad@ss. Not my old version of bad@ss, but formidable all the same. My college-aged self would never understand. But she didn't really know much anyway...
I don't think I can keep up this level of intensity very often, but it's good to know that I still have that bad@ss in me somewhere. I just have to realize what she looks like now.
Look out world. There's a new strudel-maker in town.
What do you do on your bad@ss days?