Seasonal Pregnancy Disorder

I’m pretty sure that it won’t be in the DSM-V, and I know there’s no ICD-9 code for it. But I realized today that I have Seasonal Pregnancy Disorder. I was walking down the sidewalk with the girls, and got “The Look”. You know, that look reserved for expectant mothers when you see the baby bump, you get a little dewey-eyed, and you smile at them in shared joy of a soon-to-be-baby. Since the weather’s gotten colder, I’ve been given that look more often. And someone at the playground actually asked me when I was due with #3.

Here’s the problem. I’M NOT PREGNANT. I have nothing against it, but I do enjoy working a few days a week, and my income can’t put 3 kids in daycare. We’re finally just doing better than breaking even with the 2 tuitions we’re currently paying. So until childcare comes in the form of taxpayer-sponsored kindergarten for at least one of our kids, we’re a 2 kid family.

So why does everyone think I’m pregnant? I finally looked down at my coat today - my lovely puffy down coat with the hidden zipper pockets that hold tons of stuff. Well, they’re currently holding tons of stuff. And those pockets are at prime belly level for a baby bump. I emptied them to find my keys, 2 pairs of gloves, a tube of chapstick, headphones for the gym, 3 old tissues, an old shopping list, a clothespin, a penny, a quarter, a paperclip, one of those square plastic clippy things that seals bread bags, and 2 plastic bags used for poop-scooping on dog walks.

I removed them all, and my “pregnancy” appeared to be terminated.  Magic. But here’s the problem:  I really use my coat pockets as a valuable storage spot. My keys go there when I go to the gym. My gloves go in and out of there dozens of times a day. My pockets help me avoid carrying extra bags. I don’t want to empty them. Ok, maybe I can do without the 3 old tissues, the old shopping list, the clothespin, the penny, the quarter, the paperclip, and the square plastic clippy thing that seals bread bags. But the 2 plastic bags used for pooper-scooping on dog walks are necessities. (I recommend that all parents with small children carry plastic bags with them, even if they don’t have dogs.) And I know that more shopping lists and random detritus will gravitate to my pockets.

So I will maintain my Seasonal Pregnancy throughout the winter. My need for handy objects outweighs any vanity I might have. And hey, if someone wants to hold open doors for me because they think I’m walking for 2, I won’t complain.