Monday, January 9, 2012

Seasonal Pregnancy Disorder

I’m pretty sure that it won’t be in the DSM-V, and I know there’s no ICD-9 code for it. But I realized today that I have Seasonal Pregnancy Disorder. I was walking down the sidewalk with the girls, and got “The Look”. You know, that look reserved for expectant mothers when you see the baby bump, you get a little dewey-eyed, and you smile at them in shared joy of a soon-to-be-baby. Since the weather’s gotten colder, I’ve been given that look more often. And someone at the playground actually asked me when I was due with #3.

Here’s the problem. I’M NOT PREGNANT. I have nothing against it, but I do enjoy working a few days a week, and my income can’t put 3 kids in daycare. We’re finally just doing better than breaking even with the 2 tuitions we’re currently paying. So until childcare comes in the form of taxpayer-sponsored kindergarten for at least one of our kids, we’re a 2 kid family.

So why does everyone think I’m pregnant? I finally looked down at my coat today - my lovely puffy down coat with the hidden zipper pockets that hold tons of stuff. Well, they’re currently holding tons of stuff. And those pockets are at prime belly level for a baby bump. I emptied them to find my keys, 2 pairs of gloves, a tube of chapstick, headphones for the gym, 3 old tissues, an old shopping list, a clothespin, a penny, a quarter, a paperclip, one of those square plastic clippy things that seals bread bags, and 2 plastic bags used for poop-scooping on dog walks.

I removed them all, and my “pregnancy” appeared to be terminated.  Magic. But here’s the problem:  I really use my coat pockets as a valuable storage spot. My keys go there when I go to the gym. My gloves go in and out of there dozens of times a day. My pockets help me avoid carrying extra bags. I don’t want to empty them. Ok, maybe I can do without the 3 old tissues, the old shopping list, the clothespin, the penny, the quarter, the paperclip, and the square plastic clippy thing that seals bread bags. But the 2 plastic bags used for pooper-scooping on dog walks are necessities. (I recommend that all parents with small children carry plastic bags with them, even if they don’t have dogs.) And I know that more shopping lists and random detritus will gravitate to my pockets.

So I will maintain my Seasonal Pregnancy throughout the winter. My need for handy objects outweighs any vanity I might have. And hey, if someone wants to hold open doors for me because they think I’m walking for 2, I won’t complain.


  1. That's really funny. I often think I look at least "lightly pregnant" in my coats because at the very least, the gloves gotta go in there when not on my hands. Since I know I'm not pregnant, I will merely be amused (and okay, maybe angry if you catch me on a bad day) if someone inquires about my pregnancy. It's their fault for asking and they'll be the ones embarrassed, right?

  2. Joy, your title made me look up from my work and read your blog. I totally prefer pockets over a pocketbook. Thank you for putting a smile on my face and giving me a great chuckle. I really thought I would be reading that you were expecting a third and that was what all of the sickness was about!

  3. Congrats on making the leap to publication, Joy. Your FB page reads like a blog, anyway. :-) Please make sure you eventually make a label for Diseases of Unusual Providence.

    (Hope everyone at your home is feeling better...)